Letting go is a challenge, simply because the ego always buts its head in and has to get too involved.
The ego is not a good thing. Being conscientious is, but not when it interferes with Spirits communication.
The Universe is a well run system and if we get out of the way and just follow it’s guidance things go smoothly.
We are connected to Source. All of us. There is a flow and pattern. Spirit whispers to us as to where to go, what to do, what to give, what to with hold, and when to do these things. Unfortunately, we are too busy thinking about bills, what to cook tonight, what our boss said, if so and so is angry with us, why our child is acting up, what others aren’t or are doing, how unhappy we are and on and on. Our monkey minds keep us busy with nonsense so we miss the important messages.
It was found that the average person has about 12,000 to 60,000 thoughts per day. Of those thousands of thoughts, 80% were negative, and 95% were exactly the same repetitive thoughts as the day before.
Isn’t this interestings?! It’s enough to make you want to stop thinking altogether! 80% negative! Holly hell. And 95% repetitive…hum. And to think that we do this up to 60,000 times a day. How painful!
Many practices such as Buddhism, Zen, Taoism…the answers to sanity and happiness are found in a quiet mind and detachment. Why detachment? And does that make us cold and heartless?
Detachment makes it easier to be more compassionate because we don’t need, expect, or want an outcome. We are just present and observing. We can offer kindness but we allow the other person to work out their karma and find their path.
So many times we think we are helping others but we are trying to control their lives and force outcomes because the situation makes us uncomfortable. We want a son or daughter to straighten up because their actions stress us out or embarrass us. We want the drunk partner to sober up because they make the family miserable.
This is all very understandable but how about we just focus on our feelings and our path? You have a choice to remove yourself from situations if they are making you unhappy. You can leave a partner, distance yourself from grown children, leave a job that sucks the life out of you. You can do things with kindness and respect.
But the most important thing is to respect, honor and love yourself. It is not selfish as you will be a much kinder and more generous soul. People that have inner love and peace are kind people. They have more patience and tolerance because they are right within. They will honor themselves through all situations and they will listen to a higher voice above the ones surrounding them or even their own.
Now, there is a time to act and fight and march and stand up for things. But there is also a time to back away, remove yourself and sit and observe. Sometimes the strongest action is to pull away or remove your support or presence. Think about it. When you stop ‘saving’ the drunk or drug addict in the family. When you stop shopping with companies that are corrupt and enough people stop shopping with them and their stock drops so they are forced to change their ways.
Letting go is difficult. When we make decisions to let go there is a lot of internal debating and courtroom drama in our heads. We go through a lot of drama and in the end letting go serves us and others.
A tiny and simple example; I had ordered this dress off Amazon a year or more ago. It was gorgeous with the bright colors, patterns and the fabric was flowy and fabulous. I just loved everything about it, but it didn’t fit. It was far too big and long. I’m no seamstress and to have it altered would cost more than its original price. I let it sit in my closet for 4 seasons. I finally put it in a bag and on the street a couple weeks ago, along with a lovely old velvet chair. Both were beautiful items but the dress didn’t fit and the chair had bad memories.
The neighbors across the street took everything. They love the chair and it probably looks wonderful in their house. The dress fits the woman perfectly as if it is was made just for her. She loves it and wears it almost every other day. It is one of the nicest dresses she has now. I love seeing her in that dress and knowing that it is being enjoyed so.
These are small examples. But sometimes we hang on to a job or relationship thinking that we are doing a service. I mean what will they do with out you, right? But when Spirit encourages you to move on…move on. There will be someone that will be great in that job and love it. They are just waiting for you to open up that position for them. There is someone that will suit the relationship better be it a lover or friend, but you need to go first.
If we could just hear that guidance, shrug, and move on, we would save so much drama and pain.
It is 9:30 in the morning and I’m contemplating another cup of coffee. I made a delicious Cafe Bustello espresso so it might not be the wisest decision. I want to be awake, not nervous.
The children and I are watching an old Godzilla movie; Godzilla vs. Mothra. I love the Godzilla movies. They are classic, been around since the 1950’s, and there is always a message about the Earth.
Later in the day I hang a huge bucket of laundry and realize that this chore I sometimes avoid because it’s unpleasant, is fast becoming my favorite time when I can be alone.
I roll out tortillas for our homemade veggie burger tacos and then Arjan and I watch some videos on YouTube called Paolo In Tokyo. He does day in the life videos about moms and workers in Japan. We love watching day in the life videos about people in other countries. Arjan and I are particularly fascinated with Asian countries, especially Japan. It is the cheapest way to travel. Street Food on Netflix is another fun thing to watch.
When dad gets home he brings in a bag full of library books we ordered last week. I’m thrilled because I ordered Little House On The Prairie. I haven’t read Laura Ingalls Wilder since I was a child. I had read and owned every single one of her books growing up. I must have reread them 10 times over.
It is an interesting time for me. I’m going back to simpler times and the pleasant parts of my childhood. My childhood was very unhappy, however, there were small gifts there. Reading was something I loved to do and Laura Ingalls Wilder was a comfort to me in a difficult childhood. That and Greek Mythology. I had taken up the Gods and Homer’s Iliad and Odyssey, which Sam has wanted me to read to him lately.
There was a time I have talked of often in my old blogs, but now that the old blogs are gone I will recant them here once more. It was when Bali and I moved to a fruit farm on the Delta. We lived in a large Ranch house with only two other homes on 600 acres of pear trees. There was an enormous olive tree in our backyard that I would sit under and read stacks of Amish Fiction while my boys, then just babies, would play in our yard.
It was very quiet out there with just the sounds of thick bird song in the morning and tractors making their way down the levee road in the summer, sounds of harvesting in the Fall. At night we would hear the coyotes hunting and calling to each other. We woke with the sun rise and went to bed when the sun went down. We followed the seasons.
I made a lot of casseroles back then, hung my laundry out on a very long, old clothes line that had been there since the 40’s. There were varieties of other fruit trees that the ranch hands had planted back in that time when everyone had fruit trees and gardens in their yards. We had mandarins, plums, lemons, oranges, an apple tree, hundreds of pear trees, a persimmon tree. For the first time in all my years I learned what fruits were ripe in what season.
Back then I read a lot of books to myself and the boys. I did household chores, cooked, picked fruit. I wasn’t on the phone, I didn’t socialize because we had moved far from our coastal community and we were a bit isolated. I don’t recall spending much time on the computer at all. I detested Facebook and I didn’t know much about YouTube.
I was present in my days and it was old fashioned living.
I missed the ocean and forest deeply, but I was not lonely or depressed. Just homesick, which couldn’t be helped.
Lately, I’ve been reflecting on that time and having a strong desire to get back to it. We have the forest again and I’m no longer homesick…well, maybe a little for the ocean. It has taken years, a few moves, hard work, and saving intensely to get here.
And we are here now and I had to assess things. Did I need to keep working so hard? Could I slow down and just enjoy my housework and children again and not drive myself? Did I have an addiction to work? An addiction to being on the computer and social media? Yes, I was a bit addicted. And I had enjoyed it for years until I didn’t any longer.
We all have these times. Sometimes working hard is necessary to build a business or reach a goal. We can immerse ourselves in work and love it. It can be fun to educate ourselves, set goals and push ourselves to grow and succeed.
But then we hit the wall and burn out. That is when we leave it and go back to simple life. I think many people these days are beyond burnt out but they keep going and pushing themselves. Even homemakers these days try to have careers at home with YouTube or blogging and it gets out of control fast.
But then we slow down and at first it’s a relief and we sleep and rest…then we become restless again. Why is this? Because as humans we are driven to survive and thrive. We used to be hunters and gatherers. We spent all day in nature foraging and finding food for the tribe. Then we were farmers. We worked outside and followed the seasons. We were in the fields and nature. Now we work in cubicles under fluorescent lights and are surrounded by pavement. We wake by an alarm clock in the dark and work unnatural hours. We shop in large stores pushing carts. Everything we do is unnatural.
I think if we find ways to bring in some of that old fashioned work and ways, even to city living, we can find some balance and peace. We can live in the city hustle and bustle but choose to shop at the farmers market outdoors. We can container garden on the patio. Can our own jam in the little kitchens, bake bread, hang the laundry on a rack, cook from scratch. We can thrive where ever we are but being out and about is so good for us. Some love the city hustle, some crave the forest or ocean. Just get out.
We walk to everything and everywhere now. I find that when I take the kids out to walk for hours we are happy. Last night, Sam and I walked to town to have some ice cream at the local candy and ice cream shop. We held hands and talked all the way there. All the shops have seating outside so we sit on Main Street with other families and it’s very European as we all have dinner or gelato. Sam and I enjoyed our delights and talked with other children. On the way home we stopped at Safeway and did some shopping. We walked home, talking, laughing, and met more neighbors on nearby streets.
Cities are making greener cities and planting more trees. I think that is wonderful. We need to protect more and more lands and sprawl out less. We can create beauty in cities, in our homes. We can choose to slow down and create a life we love. It really is in our control. Some will say they are stuck, they have no choice and I say that is all in their mind. If you really want change you will find a way.
It does take time to detox and unlearn all the bad habits we have these days, but it’s so worth it in the end.
I’m at it again with rearranging, purging, and finding ways to charm up the place. For those of you who are new I had gotten rid of almost all my old living room furniture. It was too big and bulky for this smaller living room. I was able to pass it along to other families and therefore repurpose. Then I found that flowery chair for free. It was clean and gently used besides a cat that had it’s way with it in the back so I received a $1,200 chair for free. The couch (you can’t see but the back of it) is an almost new pillow top couch for $125. It was a $450 couch on Wayfair. The people had it in their guest cabin. All Craigslist.
I dragged the garden bench back inside and put all my weak looking plants on it in the window. I call it sick bay. This house is a bit dark and some of my plants are struggling. I noticed the same plants at the Chiropractors office and they were huge and lush. They were all near the window.
We pick up ideas everywhere; the doctors office, a magazine, a visit to someone’s house that has a touch with making things charming.
Now all I need is a red couch cover and we are in business.
Little Miss and I were talking as I hung clothes on the line and she wanted to play with my dollhouse. I had it out at one time but she and Sam were destroying all of my precious dollhouse toys. I packed it up. I realized she needed her own dollhouse. Every girl needs a dollhouse. I began searching on Craigslist and found, what looked like in the photo, to be a small dollhouse for $25. Bali picked it up after a trip to the hardware store. I choked when he put it on the porch.
It’s huge! She can live in it! Kid Kraft dollhouses are over $200 new. Over time we can collect and create furniture and decor for her casa. She loves it and it’s the first thing she sees in the morning.
I have spent $150 total to redecorate my living room and Little Miss’s room. And the free things we have been finding! It seems everyone, including me, are putting out free items on the streets these days. When I walk with the kids we find fun things. One day Arjan and I found books for all of us. I have 3 little children’s books, a romance novel for me, and Guiness Records for Arjan. Then when all of us were strolling we found two pink, cotton pillow cases almost new and two nice linen Halloween napkins with embroidered pumpkins and cats.
Bali found a simple pergola for shade in the back yard and a long, sturdy, plastic table for the front porch. I threw a checkered cloth on it and we have candle light pizza dinners out there with the neighbors on Saturday night. I’ll share a photo of that soon.
The budget is different. I don’t know that it’s smaller. I lost a few sources of income but it’s made up for in other areas.
With more time freed up I can search for fun things on Craigslist and the kids and I love, love, love walking all over our charming village and the trails are just amazing.
I was able to get Little Miss in Head Start preschool. I’m excited for her to make new little friends and all the learning and playing. Her mother can go to her school and be with her as well. The boys school is not opening up for classes at this time so I enrolled them in their forest school two days a week. I’m excited for all of them and for myself, of course!
Our social life is flourishing here. Molly and I meet middle aged women with small dogs on our walks and chat and sniff (she sniffs, I chat…if that wasn’t clear). The neighbor up the road brings her small mutts and joins us on the porch Saturday nights for pizza and singing by candlelight (she sings, I make strange sounds). The boys have friends we meet with to go on long walks (I’ve put these off for a bit with the heat, I melt even in the forest shade). I talk with my neighbors and we share personal issues already. Even a quarantine couldn’t prevent the bonding we have over our fences. The lady in the back tied a blue bucket to the fence post for throwing over the fence when she or I had produce or goods to share. She fills it with eggplant since mine never produced and I put green beans or homemade oat milk.
The more we get off the computer and into our lives and the people around us, the more delightful life becomes.
And one more thing. I took Molly for our walk tonight before finishing this blog. We took a different street and passed an old victorian house. I think a single woman lives there and has her grandchildren at times because there was a little pink bike. Anyway, the place is a bit run down and peeling paint, but she has planted so many little vegetable patches, flowers, plants, trees, and such that it looks loved. She uses old buckets and boxes. I saw in her home as it was dark and her lights let me peek in. She had so many full, green plants.
It comes down to how to love what you have and make do. You can be piss ant poor (saying my mother had, never totally got it) and still have charm, coziness, happiness. It is truly amazing at how much is truly free in this life. Even living where you want. Say you live in a city and want the country. You can do it. You can find a farm or forest. You may have to move out of state or wait for a market crash…but it can happen.
I made so many plants from one plant I’ve had 20 some years. I’m making more plants now! You can learn to make rag rugs from all the clothes you’d normally give away. You could furnish your whole house from things off the street, out of the trash, on Craigslist. Ugly stuff can be scrubbed, painted, sanded down. Pinterest is great for getting ideas. You can make furniture out of pallets, paint old office furniture bright colors and repurpose. The sky is the limit.
Alright, I must get some sleep. I am always eager for the mornings, my first fresh cup of coffee and a little writing time before anyone wakes up.
Also, my ebook on Amazon The Homemade Housewife is free for a few days!!
Well, well, well…the old community is finding its way back to the mother ship! Not that I’m the mother ship, but you know, we are finding the new gathering place. The new watering hole!
I miss the community very much but I couldn’t exactly put out an announcement and lead the trolls here too. So, with help from friends and all of you the new blog is being found. Someone said they heard this song in their head when they finally found me again and it gave me a good laugh;
Yes, play it as you read and have a good laugh.
I should, logically, be upset about my online faked death and now hiding here in the virtual mountains in a new camp. But I’m not. It’s turned into such the fun adventure. I feel like I was part of a secret service mission gone ary and I had to change my identity because the previous one was compromised.
I have sent out smoke signals, hidden clues as to my whereabouts, had friends on YouTube send out coded messages and you all are finding the clues! I’m very proud of you all. I even recently updated my blog on my authors page not sure anyone would find that one and two of you found that hidden egg.
Here we start over and have fun. Here we learn abundance and freedom from worry.
When you have worked on the inner self as long as I have, not much ruffles your feathers. My kids can send me sideways but gossip and bad reviews are life of a star, really (grinning and NOT serious). It is when privacy is revealed and you have children that you go underground. I had so much to learn about not being so “open”. I know you all loved it but it was not a bright move.
We are in a time of destruction. It is a very volatile time for most of us. There is a lot of BS going on in politics and news. We are having revolutions in the streets, countries threatening each other. Then we have the crazy people harassing innocent creators.
It is the old ways being destroyed and it has only begun. It has to happen, whether you are on board or not. Things are a mess, chaotic, broken, not working on all levels. Nature is being destroyed, people are more hungry with greed for money and power, our politicians act like children, and none of the levels of our society are working. Schools are failing, government in all its forms are failing, companies are failing, families and homes are failing.
It obviously must come down, piece by piece. An old house that is rotten and a mess is torn down completely and the area is cleared and cleaned. Then, and only then can a new house be built.
There is a new way and world coming that is so very different that it can’t live side by side with this old way.
This is a time of truth and justice. Won’t seem like it for some time but this is when all the lies and dishonesty are revealed. As time goes on everyone will reap what they sow. They will eat either the bitter fruit or sweet fruit of their creation.
So, the best thing to do right now is either join the good fight, march for justice, or keep to yourself. Don’t desire revenge or feel scared of what is happening. It’s history. It’s been happening for thousands of years to shape our society. Just support what you love and feel good about. Ignore all else. Feed the good, starve the hate.
And for goodness sake, get a sense of humor!
Anyhoo…I just finished my nightly Hatha Yoga that my new chiropractor advised me to do. I have degenerative disc disease…which is a stupid title since it’s not a disease. It is what happens with age to most of us. I rise from chairs and beds like an 80 year old and lately I’m very uncomfortable. So, I finally committed to nightly yoga. The kids join in and Molly thinks it’s time to play and chews on my hair and toes. I like that the kids enjoy doing it with me, I don’t enjoy when they think it great fun to use me as playground equipment.
I have some great finds and did some fun things to the house recently and I’ll post that tomorrow.
Also, this blog will stay even if a troll stumbles upon us. I just spam and block trolls. I had to delete all my old stuff as I foolishly shared far too much and our privacy was seriously compromised and with children to protect you don’t mess around, right?! And yes, I filed several complaints and I think some of the material was deleted. I won’t talk of this again, I’ve had a lot of questions about this so I want to clear things up. The gossip sites can legal gossip but their regulations clearly state they are NOT to go after family or post addresses and compromise someone’s safety. There are many good YouTubers that are leaving their channels lately because of this sort of thing. YouTube must find ways to protect their creators, after all we are their money makers.
Now, no more questions or talk of this sort. Tomorrow I’ll have some fun, affordable home decor with photos and I’ll show you the fabulous thing we found for Little Miss.
I did something very luxurious with the children today. We went for a stroll to our sweet little town and I took them to lunch. In our town they have set up the streets so the restaurants can serve people outside. There are umbrellas, tables, planter boxes filled with tall grasses to seperate sections, and even street musicians. We found a Mexican restaraunt with a wonderful patio all closed in with shade clothes and fans with water mists. The closed in patio looked like an old Mexican village with art, lush plants and fountains.
The children behaved very well and used all their table manners. I told them, “this is a very nice restaurant, we will use our manners and act civilized.” It worked, we had a nice time and they thanked me for taking them out.
We rarely go out for many reasons. There is a lot of good home cooking and going out is often expensive and disappointing. With three children it is often not a pleasant experience. The quarantine happened when we moved and at first everything was closed, now business are finding creative ways to remain open, and thank God because this quarantine will be the death of many small towns if not.
Being poor is not the reason we avoid going out. Sometimes it is choosing to save money for a goal.
We have had some big goals. Two goals. To buy a house and then to buy another house. Being that we aren’t heavyweight money makers, we have had to practice intense frugality so we could make our dreams a reality. We sacrificed a lot of the modern lifestyle.
But it wasn’t a sacrifice and we, at first, forced ourselves to live in a very old fashioned way. The way our great grandparents lived before Dollar Tree, drive thru’s, and Walmart. We grew food, baked our daily bread, stayed home. I tried to stay off Amazon and not order things. Wasn’t always strong in this area. We lived this way many times over but the last year or so was an enormous push to move to a new town and that meant saving in such an extreme way that we lived on 3/4ths of a paycheck for the duration.
Something delightful and surprising happened during this time. We learned just how little we could live on and still thrive. We learned to grow and even can some food for a couple seasons. We learned that simple pleasures were far more sustainably enjoyable than the quick thrills of eating out or shopping for junk.
Sitting around reading library books, watching movies, dreaming big dreams, writing, art, learning to really cook from scratch in new ways, and being together was far more fulfilling than a life of running around being busy. The less we had, the less we needed or wanted.
Now we have moved and we don’t need to be so hard core.
We don’t live in the typical house with 2,500 sq ft, granite counters and stainless steel appliances. Thank God. I use the sink and a cheap dish drain for washing dishes. We have old furniture and old cars.
But we are very rich in time and resources. I can stay home and nest, cook nutritious food and be with my children all the time. They never have to feel alone or instability. They homeschool and belong to co-ops and alternative schools that focus on a child’s creativity, mental health, community, and inner development.
My partner can have a job that he likes and doesn’t cause stress or long hours away from his family.
Doing anything just for the money will be ones demise in the end. Maybe not right away or in a decade, but one day it will have caused some suffering in some way; eroded health, lack of joy, missed valuable time with children and family.
Our society is being awakened from a zombie-like state with this new disease. It has brought to light our inner dis-ease. We have no true stability and we don’t know what to do with ourselves when trapped in our homes. Some families are just getting to know each other for the first time. Nature is getting a break from our relentless defiling of it.
My husband is Indian and we was talking about city life vs. farm village life where he’s from. He says the city people are now like Americans, spending every dime they make and not preparing for the future. They have suffered with the shelter ins. The farm villagers have gardens and cows, they have wells for water. At the beginning of the year they take their savings and stock up on wheat, rice, corn, and sugar for the whole year. They don’t suffer that much.
We could all be like this.
Grow gardens in our front and back yards. Stock up our pantries for the year. Even have a goat or chickens if we are good with animals and have the room. It doesn’t take as much as one thinks. Look at the Dervae’s Urban Homestead. They had 4,000 sq ft in a LA neighborhood and raised chickens, ducks, goats, and grew enough food to feed themselves and sell to gourmet restaurants to buy things they couldn’t grow.
This is the real life. It is a lot of work in the beginning, but it gets easier and more enjoyable as time passes. The set up is tough but a cake walk after you get the hang of it.
The dream is to be out of debt and be able to provide for yourself and family as much as possible. The dream should also be to live in harmony with nature, showing Mother Earth respect and love.
I said it for years on my old channel, our economy is built on sand. We need a new, green, sustainable economy.
We need new ways to work and a new focus on family and how we raise our children. This world is toxic. The air, the water, the soil. Many people don’t seem to be right in their minds or ways. I find most of the “not right” people haunting the internet. I recently deleted a good sized channel and blog because of some group of people that are truly not mentally well or they wouldn’t go out of their way to harm others.
What is wrong with our people is that we want and want and want. Social media is destroying our relationships and how we relate to one another. It causes jealousy, comparison, envy, hate, anger, and false accusations. We live in false realities and not right were we are in the present moment.
I’ll admit that when I first began deactivating my Facebook I would feel disconnected and weird. When I finally deleted it for good I didn’t look back…well, I couldn’t, I ended it. I have felt so happy and free since. No more upsets and jealousy. When I deleted my channel I felt a few minutes of mourning for 3 years of work all gone in a half second and push of a button. Then I deleted my blog, 5 years of writing, work and sharing.
Strangely I felt a burden lift. I felt free. I stood in my home and looked out on the forest and I knew that I had released my identity (thus who I was online had just died) and I could start a new life however I chose. One that was in this present moment with what is real. The forest, my family, the daily rituals, the bird song early in the morning when the air is cool and my coffee is hot.
I just purchased a movie to add to our little library on VUDU, Way Of The Peaceful Warrior. It is a spiritual quest movie I’ve watched many times. I’m watching it again to remind myself how to become present and learn contentment in a very simple existence.
And life at home is something you have to learn contentment around. It gets boring, frustrating, and tiring being with children all day. Housework can become monotonous drudgery on some days. That is if you are being honest.
So, how do we flow with the day of laundry, dirty dishes, whiny children, and barking dogs? How do we feel when everyone else is out and about and you feel trapped? When friends are going out to dinner and movies and you are cooking everything from scratch on a Friday night and renting a cheap movie for the whole family off VUDU? How do you feel when family is traveling to fun places and you and yours truly have never traveled past a couple states?
I don’t know how you do it, but I’ve been busy making goals and reaching for dreams. And in all that I have fooled myself. Busy, busy, busy. I preached to get off social media to be happy and at peace but I was making videos like crazy and online all the time with comments and editing, uploading, downloading, responding, putting up content. I preach being in the moment with the family and home, meditating quietly over the suds in your after dinner dish washing. Meanwhile, I was thinking of the next blog, the next video, the next book. Always thinking of work.
I knew I wasn’t in the here and now. I knew I was neglecting my kids emotionally. I liked creating and being busy. Being distracted. Many of you had shared with me this feeling of wanting to escape life.
So, here I preach and blow smoke and all the while I’m completely not living my life, I’m sharing and teaching and dreaming and working a community.
When the gossip gals decided to pick my family apart and figure out where we lived and it became a safety issue, I deleted all my work. I could hate them for being so ugly in their souls and blame them for destroying my channel and blog and losing all that income.
But I know how the Universe works. I had struggled for over a year as to whether to keep going with this work. Everytime I thought of quitting the channel would grow and the community was buzzing. I thought that was a sign and at the time it was. I had something to offer and people needed it at the time. But then the time comes to an end and if you don’t let go easily the Universe will send in troops and destroy it all to force you to give in, give up, move on.
I’ve been on many spiritual quest. They aren’t as dramatic as in movies because you don’t have the background music. But when I leapt into the great unknown I was taken care of. Sometimes the provisions were just enough and then more abundance as the journey unfolded. Life always grew and flowed into better things.
I thank those crazy ladies for helping me end my old life online quickly. I pissed around the issue for over a year but when they came along carrying pitch forks I burned it down fast.
Now I get to reinvent myself. I also have this time to adore my children and partner. To really see them, hear them, be with them. I am getting to know myself again as well.
Now my days are not online. They are out wandering the village and forest with my family. I sit on a bench, a log, under a tree and watch them run around like wild puppies laughing and chasing each other. We walk through neighborhoods, we buy lollipops at the corner store and wander into town, we run along trails in the thick woods, I take them out to lunch to learn manners and how to tip the waitress, we read books to Little Miss and Sam, we lay on the big bed and watch silly movies, we make huge pots of popcorn.
I love the days now. I’ve never lived like this before…not working 3 to 5 different jobs. I’ve always worked so very hard and really didn’t get anywhere big or fast. My channel grew but it took years and I put in a million hours. My blog had started to grow after 5 years of hundreds of blogs. Nothing really flows when we work like crazy fiends. We just keep pushing the rock up the hill only to repeat it the next day and the next.
I remember a story about an artist. He was a young pop star. He kept cranking out the bubble gum pop until it was so watered down and rote that his fame was quickly fading into the light. He was about to have a common fate of many overnight hits. I read this a million years ago so I’m not totally sure of my facts and will not mention the singer, but he took off for India or one of those far away places to gain inner spiritual sight. He was gone for a year and when he came back he was changed. His songs and music was full of life and passion and he went on to be famous for years…he’s still working to this day producing good music, decades later.
He found his soul. If we all take time to go within and find our truest soul, we would find fulfillment.
Happiness and contentment is not out there. It is not online. It is not even with others. We all know others can disappoint us. It is such simple acts that ground us to the moment. It is clearing out all the noise and distractions. It is getting rid of ALL the things that aren’t bringing us inspiration or happiness. And that is the hard part…letting go of stuff, things, people, relationships, work…fearlessly.
Nothing will make us happy. It is only when we let go and surrender to the unknown and do things because they are enjoyable or we love doing them without caring what the outcome is.
I want to write books without caring if they are good. Will they be popular? Will I make more money? Will I get good reviews? No, I just want to have a great time writing them. I want to have so much fun that I love sitting at the kitchen table to type away and sip my coffee in the mornings. I want to eagerly start each new book excited to get to know the characters and find the story.
But first I need to sit until all this discomfort melts away and I find pleasure in just the sitting and observing.
“The journey is what brings us happiness…not the destination.” –Way of the Peaceful Warrior.
Ah, the destructive fantasy of social media. The perfect homes decorated with IKEA and Pier 1 Imports. The minimalist look and everything so sparkly clean. I used to watch the channels trying to find some cleaning or decorating inspiration and would shut off the computer feeling disgruntled with my old house and thrift store or hand me down furniture.
When I had my channel, the community voiced their joy at finding a home less than perfect and a kitchen less than clean.
Right now I’m purging like mad to make airy space in my house and to redecorate it in a more natural style. I want the Earth in my home and a Zen like feeling through out. I want to feel like those monks making bread and washing rice in clean, sparse kitchens with wooden bowls and old kettles.
Here is how it’s truly going so far:
Yes, please do laugh. This is reality. I have three children, three dogs and a husband who escapes to work and then the garden in the evenings. I don’t blame him. I envy him.
I’m trying to make life easier. Less to clean, less to move about, less work. I need time to be plentiful for me right now…or by August 1st.
The whole month of August is devoted to writing a novel…novella…novelette…we’ll see how it goes but I promised my editor I would have something for her to edit soon. And it is fiction. Fiction is not easy. I do NaNoWriMo often to get my creative juices flowing but I missed this July NaNoWriMo virtual writing camp. Too much drama got in the way of my making magic.
I have emptied the house of a huge recliner that the neighbors now enjoy. I huge L shaped cream couch and ottoman that showed every dirty smudge and took up most of the living room. There was an old red velvet chair of my mothers loaded with bad juju vibes. I broken trunk. Seven paintings that brought me no joy. Kitchen aprons and gadgets. Baby stuff. Bags of clothes. A big and heavy TV. A hot dog cooker from the gas station. So much.
Then I had no living room furniture at all. That wasn’t really the look I was searching for but it was easy to keep the floors nice.
I found a new, fabulous brown couch for $125 the next town over and a flower chair for free only because a cat scratched the back of it. With some rearranging of furnishings and plants I have a delightful living room that makes me smile in the morning.
It is a must that you have a home that is clutter free for easy cleaning and keeping tidy. A clean and tidy home keeps you mentally balanced. My kitchen will never be minimalist because I make everything (almost) from scratch and I cook and bake a lot in this kitchen. I love plants so those will abound and my cupboards are loaded with books, another love.
My house is over a hundred years old and every decade it seems someone did something different to it. My house is funky. I like that it is so funky so I can play with it, paint the rooms rich colors and not be so particular about it.
My yard has been neglected for decades. But we have a lot of land for a house in town. I’m so grateful for this. We planted so many fruit and berry trees and put in a 1,200 sq ft garden. It takes a few seasons to figure out the suns patterns in your garden. We hadn’t counted on planting this year but with the quarantine we thought it best to work hard and fast. I look out my kitchen pantry door and watch the sun rise and fall in the backyard. I have planted the cabbage and corn in the wrong spots. Next year I’ll switch them and have better luck. I planted everything and I now see what thrives here and what struggles.
Running a home is a craft and art form. It is to be played with and experimented on. People are so serious about having everything match and be perfect.
I want my home cozy and inviting. I want to cook delicious food. I want to become so good at gardening I can grow organic produce at least two or three seasons out of the year. I love Asian homemaking channels (a bit fantasy but I get ideas) and I love gardening documentaries especially when they grow tons in a tiny yard. It gives me hope.
The last thing I want to do is kill my joy of homemaking with comparisons and jealousy. Many people come in my home and say “this is my dream” when they see the garden out the back door. They don’t wince at the shabby chic decor.
I think most people want simple lives. They dream of the funky house with a small mortgage. I used to envy the ugly old cars people drove because I knew they had no car payment. I’m now blessed with two ugly old cars. Amen.
I have a book I have enjoyed for years, The Complete Writings of Florence Scovel Shinn. She was a metaphysical healer and lover of the Bible. It was the first time I could have some peace with the Bible, that I saw it from a whole different perspective.
She talks about hunches. “Never ignore a hunch!” she is adamant. Those hunches will lead you to what you need and where you need to go. They are the guides and maps to your destiny.
It is downright terrifying to just follow a vague hunch. Nutty really. But we all have had those nights or mornings we wake up and know that we aren’t living our true life. We are not on our path or even remotely doing what we were destined to do. We wake up in a strange life and wonder how the hell we got all the way over here! Just like the song from Talking Heads:
And you may find yourself living in a shotgun shack And you may find yourself in another part of the world And you may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile And you may find yourself in a beautiful house, with a beautiful wife (or husband/partner) And you may ask yourself, “Well… how did I get here?”
Ah, this song makes me giggle a little. It happens to us all.
And maybe you just need to tweak something small like make amends with an old friend or be nicer to a partner. Maybe we need to read a book about ways to parent better or focus on being a bit cleaner and keeping the house tidier.
Then there are the big things. We may need to leave a partner or a job because the partner or job causes us misery. We may need to move out of a house that we detest…or find a way to recreate it with paint and soap into a home we adore?
Whatever it is that we need to mend, clean, heal, move, quit, or restart…the answers are right there in your soul. Not out there on the internet or in a book or talking to 50 different people about the subject. No, the solutions and answers are right there in your heart.
All you need to do is get quiet. You can’t hear Spirits instructions with that busy mind or if you spend your days on Facebook going through the many emotional gyrations that come with that site. Worry blocks guidance. Obsessions, addictions, anger…they all block the messages you could be receiving to help you grow and thrive.
Spend your days practicing quiet. Try your hand at baking by hand (not a bread machine that has become very popular these days). Be quiet and in the moment when you knead the dough. Be in the moment feeling the warm water and seeing the bubbles when you wash the dishes by hand.
My house is very old. Over a hundred years old. I do many things by hand and not always by choice. I wash every dish and fork and pan by hand (not by choice but lack of a dishwasher), I hang laundry by hand on a line outside, I make bread and food by hand and from scratch, and I have a huge garden and orchard. The work keeps me grounded. When I feel upset and the kids are getting on my last nerve, I go out and water and weed by hand or I chase them from the kitchen and watch a movie on Netflix while I cook good food for all of us.
I have jumped into the unknown many times in the last two decades and I am now here. I live in a charming forest town and have children. I am a housewife and author. My dreams are actualized. But I’m not done there. I still have dreams and desires. I love to create and recreate. That is one reason I rearrange my house over and over and purge constantly.
I used to have a lot of bad habits. Now I just drink coffee with zeal. I’ve replaced many bad habits with good ones such as long walks with kids and dogs or without, all depends on the mood. Learning to cook and nest, raise children. Decorating a home from Goodwill and Craigslist. Budgeting with meager funds and making us feel wealthy. For some this is depressing, for me life is delightful and fulfilling. Writing. I love to write. It is my happy place and it makes us some side money.
However, I will be honest. Everytime I decided to change my life I did it drastically and it was hard. There were very lonely times, lots of crying and wailing, being broke and counting out change for a weeks worth of groceries, and feeling lost.
The internet is troubling these days. I have been blogging and writing for 5 years and then I had a YouTube channel for 3 years. I was so very foolish. I posted everything and spoke so openly and honestly. Some loved this refreshing way of being so real and “out there”.
Well, it bit me in the arse. There are ghouls and goblins in them woods and they came after me, my family and my mental state of being. I seemed “wacky” as some put it because I was not shallow and made of plastic like so many these days.
The ghouls and goblins are celebrating right now thinking they scared me off. Ah but they not only did NOT scare me off, they gave me a wonderful gift.
The gift of a fresh start and recreating myself anew!
You see, I was tired of my old blog and channel for so, so long. I tried to change it and people were not happy…most were kind and loving, but some not so much. So, I made a creators fatal mistake of bending to the crowds wishes.
I continued doing old stuff over and over to please others. I felt tired and worn over and over with a few seasons of brightening up when life changed for the better. But after a bit of excitement the thick fog would return.
I felt a bit trapped and I compromised what I shared and how I shared to avoid upsetting others. I was not truly being myself. I had created an image and was stuck, stuck, stuck. I even had to seperate out my spiritual stuff from my other works.
My soul kept whispering “it’s time for change…”. I had another facet of myself that was ready to be birthed.
When these puppets threw me in their kettle, I decided to allow the death to occur. First my YouTube was put to death forever and then my blog was the last part of my creations to die.
And it should have been something to be mourned…I mean, all those years of work gone! But it was a relief.
I feel alive and I can start a whole new life on here! I have deleted it all and have a new name, new titles, new home!
So, to all of you that I adore and have been with me for so long, I have sent out word through a secret source to gather you all up again to rejoice the new life.
Here I will stay pretty private (most of you know so much anyway), but we will talk home, spiritual works and life, writing, and finding peace in this crazy, toxic world. We will live in a bubble and find a new world.